Head back against the wall. Close eyes.
What to write about tonight? Shakira/JLo? Done. Parenting teens? Meh. That I can save for any night. How we’re all actually manipulative in conversations? Oh, gooder. Nope, too tired to expunge that sermon. I could write about the 65k trek. Or advocating for your kids to their teachers, especially in Ontario during this strike.
Eyes closed. What comes first to mind?
How I’m not going to call you. Not you. You. You know who you are. I’m not going to call.
Not this time.
It’s not vendetta. Or anger. I just don’t care anymore to try. I’m too tired to try.
For a while, I beat myself up over whether I was supposed to want to try. Or if I was expected to try. Or if I was even supposed to try, and be validated when trying didn’t work anyway. And then I gave my head a shake and realized it was all for naught – this spinning hamster wheel of what if’s and shoulda’s and eventually – fuck it’s.
No for real. It’s time to recognize that caving, or bowing down, or reaching out, or extending the proverbial olive branch doesn’t always equate to being the bigger person.
Sometimes being the bigger person means being the first to recognize when something is so toxic, that both parties are better off letting the dumpster fire burn to ash rather than trying to extinguish it & salvage what might be left.
So listen, sometimes in relationships, and friendships, and the ships you shipped off to another life entirely – you don’t always have to make up. You don’t always have to make amends. You don’t always have to forget when you forgive. Because forgiving is for you, anyway. Not for them. Forgive so you can move forward knowing that you were the bigger person – by being the first know that the problem was too big to solve, the mess was too cluttered to clean, and the web was too tangled to weave.
Then, you can be satisfied that you didn’t forget what was most important – you, and your willingness to leave it behind.
Close your eyes. What did you see first tonight?
— c ☆
One Comment Add yours
Oh Care this is so fuc—-ing freaky how your writes touch my heart relate to my life it’s like you are writing these blogs about my life but I guess it applies to a lot of us . My life has been a hard hard road Care from being sexually abused by a step brother in grade 3 to growing up in alcohol home to marriage at 18 and living abusive marriage. But I am strong from a divorce in 92 going to food banks to feed my 2 kids who I adore today are my world . I am very strong with a very high wall around me from all my hurt in my life but I forgive and it’s made me who I am today. So please don’t think I am crazy when I get so excited about you and Jan because it makes me so happy and you know maybe the reason I only wanted to be loved and cherished and never found it. But maybe I pushed away from my fucked up life and all my scars. Ty for letting me vent ❤️🌹