Such a strange night tonight. And a strange blog. Sometimes it feels like the axis isn’t firmly in place. Like there’s a full moon.

I quit my gig in radio back in September. And a little more than a month later, many of my beloved brothers and and sisters in radio were laid off. It felt almost serendipitous that I’d left before I, too, could have faced the axe.

I walked into a situation that was – for lack of a better word, and lack of more emphasis – not an ideal fit for me. At all. It was obvious early. And glaringly obvious later. Despite the utter failure it feels like to have had to pull the rug out after a short couple of months, it was for the best. I made one futile attempt after the other to get my footing, but in the end, it was time to go. And if nothing else, whatever I ended up experiencing, I’m grateful that something gave me the courage to leave radio when I did. I’ll always be thankful for that.

Today, I started full time with Gino’s Pizza and Spaghetti House & Pisanos: Old School. In fairness, I’ve actually been working for both for more than a year. Initially behind the counter at Gino’s, then online as their Social Media Content Creator. Today, I started as their Executive Assistant. Part of my time is spent in the offices. The other is spent working in the restaurants again. It’s surreal how 2020 is shaping up. Last New Year’s I was counting on MC’ing the city’s NYE skating party again for this December. Now, I’ll most likely be answering the phone for hungry Kingstonians who’re after philly’s and poutines. Surreal. Grateful to be in a gig that affords me both – administration and a chance to work in the shops.

I’ve made a clear, conscious decision to start taking my life back. To get out of the toxic head space that’s been invading my life this year. In an effort to continue being in the driver’s seat, I’ve also elected to leave the weight loss program, EWYN.

It sucks, but it was not financially feasible for me to stick it out. I’m not ashamed to admit that I was in over my head. Unfortunately, the less than stellar news was not well-received by the studio. I mean, I get it. Anyone leaving the program mid-way is never ideal (god, there’s that word again). But, I’m down fifty pounds. I’ve been working with them for almost half a year. I’m confident I’ve learned the science behind losing weight. I’m confident these next forty-five pounds are not impossible to lose.

So, while I’m sorry they’re less than impressed that I am forced to leave, I know – again – it’s for the best. At least for right now. Maybe we can restore the friendship we once had – they and I. I did really love designing their social media content. I did have some great moments over the times I dropped by to see the Coaches. But we only have control over the things in our control.

And today, I didn’t cheat on my journey, no matter how much I wanted to. I work at Pisanos, for fuck sakes. And I just served it without eating it on my way home.

The negative energy in my life has been palpable. In my personal life, in my career, on my weight loss journey. Doesn’t it just feel like you can’t have it all? You can’t have a victory at work during the day, because your home life threatens to fall apart when you close out the nine to five. Or you can’t feel like you’re owning the world when you have a spectacular date night, because something at your job crashed and burned while you were away. What I wouldn’t give for just one fucking day have everything move on the same trajectory. I wasn’t afforded a great first day, because it was marred in this weight loss studio fall-out.

I digress. I did have a very Monday-est Monday. I spilled my coffee, and nearly wet my pants when I couldn’t get into my house because my kid locked every door.

But. I did come home to Jan, and together we had dinner, and laughed about the ridiculousness of it all. When he and I first started dating, we thought it far too cliché to use phrases like “I love you to the moon”. So instead, we remind each other to wake up on the right side of the sun. Because some days are garbage. Some weeks are, too. And some jobs hire the wrong candidates. And some businesses are pissed off to lose your business. Some family members are cranky. And some people are just wearing the weight of their own worlds on their shoulders and they can’t carry it all, so they’re forcing you to burden some of it through their words and their sadness and their anger. Some times, you can’t force the day to end on a high note and you go to bed feeling frustrated, but begging for the light to shine again the following day.

And suddenly you realize that the all the shit that built up is what’s shifting the world off its axis. That the emotional trash is just taking itself out and tomorrow you’ll wake up on the right side of the sun again.

It’s okay to not be okay. And it’s okay to be kinda okay on your quest to becoming okay. And once you finally are, it’s also okay to take a break from it for a second.

Some of the food this week:

I’ve gained a few pounds, but lost a few inches. But what’s more important than inches and scales and protein bars and whey powders is having the right mind set to say: no matter what else happens, it’s all supposed to happen.

You can if you want to.

— c ☆