Well, no.

No, in fact, I’d like to NOT go swimming tonight. Except, I’m gonna. In this two piece, that I’m embarrassed to wear. I wasn’t embarrassed last year, when I bought it. I felt empowered last year. I felt good, and bold, and beautiful. I felt these things because I was on a high – I was three months into my lifestyle challenge and I knew, I just knew I’d start seeing results. Right?!

Right?!

What happened?

Why am I 25lbs heavier now? Why don’t I fit in my dresses? Why am I limiting myself from my favourite foods if nothing is happening?

Still with me?

Because my attitude hasn’t changed. Because my self-pity has never been allowed to win. Ever.

But just because it doesn’t win doesn’t mean I don’t give myself permission to feel it. I staunchly, stubbornly, and significantly believe ya gotta feel it all. Ya gotta feel mad. Ya gotta feel embarrassed. Ya gotta feel anger, and jealousy, and bitterness. Because ya gotta know what makes you tick. You need to know all your edges, all your curves, all your person. There’s only one way to know – and that’s to feel it all.

And once you’ve got that under control, you can start getting it under control. I know that it makes me mad that I’m overweight. So I’m going after the goal of figuring it out and working it out. I know it makes me feel embarrassed that I’m “too big” for a bikini – except that I’m not too big for a two-piece, so I’ll wear it anyway. And I’ll look back twice in the mirror, and remember that I’m 100% that bitch. I’m 100% that girl who knows she gets one shot at this life. One shot to be happy, and I’m not going to waste the rest of my life just feeling sad or mad. I’m also going to feel determined, and eager, and ready to conquer every goal I set for myself.

I’m learning to swim, not just to become a lifeguard, but so that I can stop feeling afraid of the water.

I’m going to wear a bikini, because I love it and I’m too old to ask someone for their permission over my happiness.

And tonight, I’m going to go swimming. I’m going to start with Aquafit, and then I’m going to do some free swimming till 9. And then I’m going to do it again tomorrow, because this is part of my goal to continue pursuing my health care goals. Self-care goals.

Care to swim?

The challenge officially starts today. Five days a week at our local YMCA with the help of my coach/trainer Ben. And hopefully I’ll be ready for the Lifeguard exams in June.

And hopefully, between Ben and my Nutritionist, Trish, I’ll have a better idea of exactly what’s happening with my body.

See you at the Y.

— c ☆