“You look sad,” said my Coach today.
I wrote a post yesterday about being permitted to feel. Feel it. Own it. Lean into it. Address it. Feeling sad has been a way of life for me in 2020. The bursts of sunshine I get are welcomed pauses to the storms.
I’m into my second week at my new gig. My mechanics – who met me through my radio gigs – asked me how it was going. And I told them – I work long hours, and I’m on my feet a lot. I don’t get time for lunch until later in the day. I soothe customers, manage a staff, enforce policy. It’s hard, and sometimes arduous, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
It’s true. I wouldn’t. I am being challenged on the daily. And it works for me. It’s a lot to take in in those first few shifts, and the learning won’t stop. Some days, I just fall into bed. But I’m getting back up every day and heading off determined. The mark of a good day. The mark of a good job.
This week was tough. It was tough because as I adjust to being out of the house for an extended period of time, my family is adjusting around me. Kid C is having to come home to an empty house, and Mama isn’t typically home til after 7. That’s an adjustment. She’s doing it, she’s finding purpose, but we’re adjusting. Parenting a female teen is tough. I won’t sugar coat it. It’s hard. Kid B works til 10pm? That means I’m going to bed later driving into the city to pick him up. It’s going to mean adjusting my sleep patterns. I’ve still got my Daisy entertainment. commitments. How do I take care of my small business, while helping run someone else’s? Adjust. I’m always adjusting. I’m tweaking this period and figuring out how to make it work.
And it means adjusting my relationship to learn to live inside this new way of life for us. No, I’m not home Saturdays. No, I don’t have time tonight for this. No, I can’t do that. And that has meant that J and I have had to find pockets of time for just us. For just love.
I also don’t have access to hanging around on Facebook through the day. So my interactions socially with friends has been scaled way back. And while I miss my friends, and chatting with them through the day, not mindlessly scrolling through newsfeeds and tweets has been a welcome reprieve. I needed a new thing to wake up brain from the fog that had been lingering.
So, why did I look sad today?
Because I’m adjusting. My partner and I are adjusting. My kids are adjusting. My body is adjusting. Stress makes its own rules. And it can wreak havoc on anyone at any time it plans to rear its ugly face. And after a tough week, I didn’t lose much weight, I bumped up an inch, and plateaus can make it you squirrely. Especially when you’re adjusting. You just want everything to work harmoniously. And this week, it didn’t.
I’ve also discovered eggs are out. Where once I was enjoying a daily egg white omelet with cottage cheese, my body has chosen to reject it. I switched it up to two sunny side up eggs with some cottage cheese, and today’s helping (the third day in a row), I nearly yacked it back up. I’m going to have to adjust (today’s buzz word) to a new way of doing breakfast. Perhaps, it’ll have to be shakes. Maybe just some grilled chicken. I don’t know. But I can’t do snot-esque breakfasts anymore. My stomach won’t permit it.
It just feels like – fuck. What else could happen this week? What. Else.
In the moments of helplessness, I let the feeling wash over. And when it passes, I look for the win. And today’s? I saw an ‘8’ on the scale. I haven’t seen the 180’s in three years. I need a belt for my jeans. I’m less than five lbs away from where I was in January, 2017. Last week was a big swing in my weight, but here we are at least down a pound. It wasn’t what I’d hoped for, but it’s a win. And that means I’m still headed in the right direction.
I did not do well taken many photos of food, but my recipes are being documented on the Ewyn TikTok page. Here’s some:
I did grab a photo of Chicken Little, my very fave recipe. Breaded chicken over veggies.
We’re climbing up to Day 100 on Wednesday. It feels bananas.
I’ll take some side x sides to compare week’s end.
Another week down. Week 15 begins tomorrow. Let’s get out of being sad, and go back to finding the rays of sun I need to conquer. Besides, Halloween is coming up. And I’m not just named ‘Carrie’ for nothing.
— c ☆