I Don’t Want To Wait

I’m bingeing Dawson’s Creek. And don’t get me wrong. I adore Jann Arden as much as the next 90’s Canadian girl, but does the show really become the show without Paula Cole’s bleeding “I Don’t Want To Wait” lyrics while a montage of our protagonists frolic by the proverbial creek on a home video?

If you, like me, need the full experience, someone dutifully captured all six seasons’ opening credits in a super little snippet of nostalgia. Here you go.

Might I add that if you watch the show with subtitles like I do (as our volume is typically turned fairly low), the OG Cole lyrics still play over the opening on Netflix; taunting me like some sick bastard who ate all the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms.

I digress.

I’m writing from my bed tonight, where I’ve been holed up for the majority of my day. That, in between rushes to the washroom. I haven’t decided if I have one of those 24 hour infernal stomach bugs, or if I ate something shitty (no pun intended) last night, but all I’ve managed to keep down today are a few pieces of toast, some slurped chicken noodle soup (all four slurps, I’ll have you know) and some Powerade Jan brought home today. I’ve gobbled down some Gravol for good measure. And of course, a heavy dose of Dawson. Wish me luck this Naan, chicken and rice don’t mobilize.

I also managed to get a plethora of online work done today, which I’m grateful for. Although I eschewed work to not find me a replacement, given that my stomach only recently has simmered to a dull roar, I’m glad to just don some jammies, and curl up tight for the night.

Less this blog. Which I felt I owed to myself to get written, and get done.

I’ve struggled fairly strenuously this week with being depressed. It’s a January thing and I wish didn’t use it as a scape goat, I say it in a way that if you, too, have found yourself sad, upset, worried, more anxious than usual, you are not alone. I found myself imploring Jan to understand that every January is bad for me, but that the January I was nearly a year locked down and without my family was nearly impossible and I’m hanging on by a thread. He’s all I got.

(If you need to reach out to someone, I encourage you seek help online. Here are some resources.)

We’re working on “love language”, Jan and I. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. Understanding what your partner needs, what words trigger them, incubating their insecurities in love, and laying out your own expectations and boundaries for a healthier relationship? Yeah, that’s what we’ve been working on. I wrote a caption earlier this week on one of our photos that for nearly a year, we’ve been forced to be each other’s friend. Breathe each other’s air. Sleep inside each other’s world. We’ve only got each other and that makes love language even more important. We’re still together. So we’ve gotta be doing something right. And now he’s also jumped on the eating well bandwagon. It’s a venture we can both tackle.

On Sunday, we recreated a photo shoot from last year. I remember the OG photos so vividly – it was such a ludicrous idea to don a tutu and take a gander through the snow in minus degree weather. The juxtaposition of wearing bare legs and arms in the coldest month on the calendar was hilarious, and ridiculous, and a rush. And to recreate it was a trip.

Despite the cold, or the artistry of the photos, it also gave Jan and I a few minutes of alone to laugh and create and together.

Despite the ups and downs, I was able to prove something else to myself. That I am capable of setting goals and sticking to them. While it was hard to navigate my emotional well-being, my physical self wasn’t going to fall apart. The treadmill is a sure-fire way to raise back up my sadness on my loneliest of days. It also helps with period cramps, and working through Shark Week. So even when it’s the most difficult to crawl out of bed, exercise has helped me cope. And the weight-loss benefits have been palpable. When I ate too much bread, or enjoyed a few extra calories, the treadmill and cardio work-out has helped manage and maintain my weight.

Last week, I weighed in at 180-ish. The scale looked like this through-out the week:

Food this week included on-the-go lunches, and mock Kraft Dinner (mock, in that it’s the healthy quinoa noodle alternative to the orange sludge we clog our arteries with):

And while I continue to work at the tastiest, and yummiest pizzeria in the city, the temptation to eat hearty carbs each night has been continual battle. But – it’s the grilled chicken Caesar salad that gets me through my shifts.

If you’re not a part of the Health Care group on Facebook, you should totally join!


Join as a collaborator on my Spotify work out playlist!

My work-out track of the week:

Yes, my knickers photos are still being posted. DM me for the link for where you can find them.

Tips for the week:

  • Trade your cream and sugar in your coffee for sweetner and milk
  • Try to have 4 oz of protein 4 x a day
  • Use Greek Yogurt for your sauces. Some sweetner helps, but remember plain Greek Yogurt will mimic just about anything. Parm and pepper creates Alfredo. A shot of BBQ sauce and Worchestire and you have a BBQ chicken pizza sauce. Truly. Give it a try.
  • Don’t drink your calories. Flavour shots are a brilliant way to mask your water and make you believe you’re drinking juice.

This week, I lost just short of 4lbs and nearly 2 inches off my waist. No holidays to hide behind, just focus and determination that even when it got hard, when it got sad, when it got difficult to get out of bed, I still hauled out my Nikes and hauled my weary carcass back up on the treadmill. I finished Week 1 yesterday with the clear objective that my goals are in sight. I’ve given myself April 1st as a soft deadline. Today, I’m just over a pound away of a 55 pound weight loss. Everything seems possible.

You can if you want to.

c ☆

One Comment Add yours

  1. brendaratcliffe says:

    First want to say hope your feeling better!! Care your picture shoot is fucking amazing it should be a movie super dam cute!! Please don’t beat yourself up for being down depressed this normally a shitty time of year to start with let alone a fucking pandemic that we are all sick of it hard to do the same god dam routine every day can’t go see family or do fun things but I believe it will get better well kinda have to believe that to keep sane. I have my first weigh in today at Ewyn i have only been on program since Monday so not expecting too much but to brighten your day you are my inspiration why I am at Ewyn so remember the good you bring to this world when your down. I Adore you !! Feel better ❤️🌹❤️

    Sent from my iPhone


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