It’s been a strange few days. Being alone, that is.

I’ve become accustomed to saying “alone does not have to equate to loneliness.” And yet, here I find myself wondering if I am really lonely, or lonely-ish. And perhaps the sound silence is the loudest sound I’ve heard in days.

I suppose if the power of perception is the same inclination as “mind over matter”, January is supposed to be a gift for me. It’s downtime in an otherwise busy schedule. Weekends brimming with special events, and weddings. Plans to travel. Plans to sightsee. Concerts to rock. Road Trips to … well … road trip. January, and weekends full of silence are supposed to be a gift.

So why the air of loneliness?

Last night, I did the thing where I ordered in food. And instead of simply eating it out of its take-out box, I moved the dinner to a plate, and made a setting for myself at our dining room table and ate like I was the only person I’d ever need in the wide world. And I wouldn’t need conversation, or a message, or a phone call, or someone looking in to see if I need someone to talk to, because in that moment, the loneliness swept over me like a crashing wave of silence and sadness, and the January blues took hold of my heart.

For many who live with partners, or spouses, the down time of alone can seem a welcome, peaceful exchange for an otherwise busy household. And sometimes, I crave it so much, I miss it to my core. I was married once. Or twice. I lived with a partner once. Or twice.

I don’t even have a pet.

The house is more or less quiet most of the time, even despite having a teenager in the house. As a Mama of two fully grown-ass kids who have been gone for years, I’m quite aware that teenagers make themselves recluse – holed up in their rooms like their own little countries, of which they are the Prime Minister. And they’re not alone, nor lonely, because their growing brains haven’t yet discovered that one day they’re going to miss the pack – even if they spent most of it hiding away in their own private space far away from the group for most of the time.

That said – even when the kid is home, I’m still most often alone without someone to talk to.

But she isn’t home this week. And my roommate is rarely here, either. Which is why I spend such little time on devices when she is around, because the company of another human being is enough to have me speak like the jackhammer, rabbit-energy misfit that I am. I babble on like a bird in a tree. And before either of us are aware of it, two hours have gone by and I haven’t run out of things to say.

She isn’t here, either.

Again, it’s back to being just me. I fill up the time like I’m running water into a bucket that never entirely reaches the top. I’m crocheting, or watching endless reruns of Grey’s Anatomy. I’ve had to continually moisturize my hands, because I’m washing dishes, or cleaning the bathroom, or doing the same household chores over and over that I’ve completely neglected the actual things to get done because I’m so listless, I can’t bring myself to the responsibilities.

Like ironing out my taxes.

The trouble with someone like me is that I have so much running in various directions in my brain at all times. Some days, I want to own a food truck. Other days, I want to paint the wall in a new visual that I saw on social media. Some days, I want to rush out to the East Coast on a whim, and other days I want to work on become a hyper-realism pencil sketch artist. There are a handful of websites I want to launch, a number of companies I have ideas for. I have classes I want to take in post-secondary, and online learning I’m lending my time to. I have plans for travel, I seek out audition notices for theatre, I check out more books from the library, and I have just a ton of ideas for online video content.

What are the most common signs of ADHD in women?

1. Organized chaosYour handbag is stuffed with old receipts, 17 different chapsticks, and a ticket stub from a Kings of Leon concert you went to in 2008. Staying organized with ADHD is a daunting task. Even after meticulously organizing something like your desk, the next day it’s inching back to its office party mosh pit ways. In spite of these challenges, you get by. It’s common for people with ADHD to have stations in your home where things “live”, baskets to dump objects, and a lot of practice retracing steps when an item you need disappears into the abyss. 
2. You blurt things out
   
   ADHD can make it challenging to have a filter, aka you say things before thinking them through. Despite having the best intentions, it’s normal for people with ADHD to have a long list of “foot-in-mouth” moments where you were a little too honest or forthright with your words. While loved ones generally get used to it, meeting new people and keeping things professional in the workplace can feel exhausting. Understanding the origin of this problem can help you be kinder to yourself when it happens.
3. Time management is tough
   
   People with ADHD experience a concept known as time blindness. Essentially, time is abstract and time management is a real struggle. It’s very common for people with ADHD to be prone to wasting time on nonessential aspects of a task. You likely have memories of missed appointments, showing up at the right place at the wrong time, or getting so engulfed in a task that you lost an entire day. You might also find it hard to keep a regular bedtime. Time blindness can lead to a lot of negative self-talk or even being labeled as “spacey” or “inconsiderate” by others. You aren’t any of those things, you’re just trying your best to juggle life with a complicated disorder. 
4. You take on too much
   
   You are a go-getter who dives headfirst into several projects, offers to help with everything, and often drowns along the way. In some ways, you are a bit of a superhero. Many women living with adult ADHD have a lifetime of high expectations for themselves which comes along with constant pressure. However, this need for achievement combined with time management and focus difficulties can also leave you feeling frozen, overwhelmed, and ultimately falling short of your own exceedingly high expectations. Learning to scale back, slow down, and forgive yourself for losing interest in your passion projects is an important step. 
5. You forget things
   
   Due to factors like high distractibility and working memory issues, remembering details like birthdays, anniversaries, or even names can sometimes feel impossible with ADHD. Forgetfulness can also occur with bigger items such as appointments, ceremonies, or work deadlines. No matter how much you care about the person or thing, sometimes your brain just disregards it. This can leave Debbie, or Rachel, or whatever her name is at spin class feeling like you don’t even care about remembering her name. 
6. Decisions are easy and impossible
   
   ADHD is a paradox in a lot of ways and one of those is decision making. When your brain decides to hyperfocus on something, it’s easy to go out and spend $200 on material for your new hobby you know nothing about. When it comes to something more mundane like picking a restaurant– you suddenly feel overwhelmed by your options. You might spend hours researching, reading reviews, and ruminating only to give up and eat toast. A lot of people with ADHD take solace in choosing friends or partners who are enthusiastic about choosing such things. It’s easier that way. What is Hyperfocus?Ever find yourself so completely absorbed in a task that you can’t step away or stop thinking about it? That’s hyperfocus. But wait? Isn’t ADHD all about struggling to pay attention? Also yes! The difference with hyperfocus is that the person is very interested and even fixated on the task or subject at hand which activates their reward system.What does hyperfocus look like?
   • Becoming an expert on a new topic of passion (i.e. foraging, antique watches, breeds of chickens)
   • Spending excessive time and money on a new hobby
   • Dropping “important tasks” to pursue the one you can’t stop thinking about
   • Difficulty shifting tasks or stopping what you’re doing to eat, bathe or breathe
   • Being “in the zone” for hours
7. Boring activities are painful
   
   People with ADHD crave novelty and often find that monotonous daily tasks are almost physically painful. Some days you’d rather dig a trench for three hours than sweep the kitchen floor for 5 minutes. Chores like laundry and dishes are difficult and often get pushed until the last minute. Waiting in line? That’s the absolute worst thing that could ever happen. Daily tolerance for the mundane tends to fluctuate but adding in a bit of flair to these activities to spice them up can help (dance party while vacuuming, anybody?). 
8. You struggle with self-esteem
   
   A lifetime of feeling like you always fall short, don’t fit in, and are constantly misunderstood can really do a number on your self-esteem. ADHD leads to a lot of dysregulation and inconsistent symptoms that constantly get mislabeled, even by healthcare workers. You might often find yourself feeling defeated and inadequate when comparing yourself to others. It’s common for people with ADHD to cope with some unhealthy habits when feeling low, such as TV marathons, substance abuse, or binge eating. Understanding the root of your challenges and learning to build a more positive internal dialogue can help get your self-esteem back in check. 
9. Emotional Rollercoasters
   
   Many people with ADHD feel emotions more intensely than those without ADHD. While you might go through one devastating emotional experience with ease, a minor setback like the book you want not being available could send you spiraling. This flood of emotions and the inability to filter and assess those feelings are due to brain dysfunction. Specifically, the communication trail between key brain areas that regulate emotions and interpret what to do with those emotions is weak. The result? You may be too explosive, struggle with finding your calm, or have difficulties accurately assessing the emotions of others. 

https://www.talkwithfrida.com/learn/9-common-symptoms-of-adhd-in-women/

That’s easy to deduce. I absolutely show every sign of ADHD in adult women. Is it a brain dysfunction, or is it something else? Do I need to medicate? Talk to a doctor? Do I need a formal diagnosis to continue functioning like I have been the last forty years, or will I stop simply surviving and begin to thrive?

So what’s the correlation between a weekend of loneliness and an undiagnosed condition? I’m alone with my thoughts.

Though, to be completely honest, I’ve spent a great deal of time swaying and swirling about me and the probability of such a diagnosis, that I’ve learned and applied some coping techniques to help me stay on track – like journaling, alarms for time management, but also being completely cognizant and present when someone else is speaking and truly focusing on not interrupting. I use words like “oh, you made me think of something. When you’re finished, I’d like to talk to you about – blank -.” Whereas before, I would have derailed the conversation and just hijacked it for myself.

And though I’m utilizing this “free time” as a “gift” for an ungodly schedule come this spring, I’m also fully aware of how slippery my depression in the winter can become. And that said – I made sure to go out to trivia on Friday, and to brunch yesterday, and a hockey game this afternoon. You may think – my god, how much do you cram in? How you could you possibly be lonely? There are a considerable amount of hours between these get-togethers. And it’s those hours – the hours where you brush your teeth alone, and you crawl into bed alone, and you realize no one has messaged you in hours and hours – this is where loneliness lives. And listless is its subletter.

And then a new phenomena – not reaching out to anyone else, either. And no desire to get together with anyone, anyway. Accepting the silence; wearing it like a cloak in the cold, unwavering against the torrential downpours of being by yourself. Suddenly – it’s comforting to have left the phone on the charger, to have not said a word out loud in hours, and bed is calling and your brain can finally go into sleep mode – far away from underlying diagnosis, and far away from remembering you’re sleeping alone.

Sunday Spectacular … without my new spectacles – tip typing away in the half-darkness of my little apartment, in my little city, with my big thoughts and my bigger need to stay active and busy. A week from now, that sweet pea little kid (big kid; she’s 17) is gonna be home. And the bustle will resume. And the events will fire back up. And the sun will shine for longer, the days will be warmer, and I’ll look back on a night in January where I had so much to say that I said nothing at all because I was afraid I wouldn’t stop talking if someone uncorked me.

Oh look, my roommate is home.

– c xx

*If you’re struggling with loneliness, depression, or any other health challenge or condition, please seek help through a doctor